Why do some of us seek out abusive, flawed relationships? Why do we go for a certain type that ends up hurting us? Why do we lose interest in those that care for us, no strings attached? And how can we fix that?

Here are three answers. From naïve to fucking ingenious, at least I was blown away when I heard about it for the first time.

Naïve approach

It's just more interesting that way. Stable, loving, committed relationships get boring after a while. They suffocate us. We love the chase. Humans weren't meant for everlasting monogamy anyway, so why try to force it?

The fix

No fix. Just the choice between settling for a stable, eventually stale relationship, or continuously seeking the thrill of deeply problematic ones. Maybe you'll find something in between. An affair once in a while might also do the trick...

Pop-psychology approach

If we're drawn to "complicated" partners, it's because this dynamic resembles what we came to know as love when we were little, back in our childhood. The relationship with and between our parents is the blueprint for what we'll end up chasing in our own romantic endeavors, whether we like it or not. Emotionally unavailable parents? Tough luck, but that's the kind of person you'll feel drawn to. Were you always trying to win your parents' approval while you were growing up? Chances are, you'll think partners with unrealistically high standards and expectations are mighty sexy. Bonus points if they belittle your achievements regularly.

The fix

Reparent yourself. Deal with the past trauma that continuously gets you to go after the wrong kind of people. The goal is to overwrite our faulty concepts of what it means to love someone or be loved by someone. It might take a long time to get there. Professional help (for instance therapy) can speed up the process. A method I called "Time Travel Trauma Treatment" can also do wonders in that regard.

Ken Page approach

(I got it from listening to some of Ken Page's talks) You were struggling sometime in the past. As stated in the previous approach, you might have had the wrong role models. You don't necessarily seek out the same dynamic, definitely not on purpose, but somehow you end up with partners that are toxic anyway. Why? Because you're trying to fix it. You're trying to recreate the fucked up shit that happened to you, but this time, you'll do things differently, at least you tell yourself. You'll stand up for yourself, get them to love you back, whatever it was. That's why you keep seeking these partners. To finally get what you wanted all along.

The fix

Accept that this messed-up shit has already happened. By going after it one more time, you won't make it disappear. You'll never be the one that gets a narcissist to admit their issues and change. You won't make an emotionally unavailable person open up. You can't heal an abusive partner. Focus on what you bring to the table (all of which would be wasted if you keep going after the wrong people) and what you want out of a relationship. Do yourself - and your future partners - a favor by not abusing relationships as a means to win a battle you've lost a long time ago. Identify why you keep going after certain types so that when you meet someone that seems right but catch yourself losing interest after a while, you know whether:

• that's because they are not making you suffer the way you're used to, thereby not allowing you to cling to this fantasy of changing them, and righting some wrong that someone has done to you.
• they are indeed so boring you'd rather stare straight at a blank wall for the rest of your life than spend another hour with them.