Goals
- Learn about a different approach to self-development
- Apply it to make drastic changes to your life and make habits stick much easier
- Gain confidence in the process, which will increase its effectiveness. Spoiler: It's still fucking hard!
Introduction
I know it's possible to reshape your identity because it's what I did. Repeatedly. You can see the most obvious example above. I don't want to talk trash about the left version of myself, he was a nice guy. But it was time for something new.
I used to have a hard time explaining how I did it. It just happened. Honestly, it wasn't even that hard. All of the changes came naturally to me. And that's when I realized: The key was in reshaping my identity first. It might seem counterintuitive, and a little bit like brainwashing. But trust me when I say: This better version of yourself is already in there, and waiting for its time to shine.
Unfortunately, there's a bit more to it than letting this better version take the wheel. So let's get into the nitty-gritty!
Why this approach works so well, and where it fails
We've all been there. You've tried makings some changes to your life, adopting new, beneficial habits, and for a while, it seems to work! You've managed to avoid junk food for two weeks, only spent 10 minutes a day on social media, refrained from impulse buying on Amazon, and kept your place clean and organized. All of that without exceptions. You're so proud of yourself. But then you skip a workout and feel like a failure. The next day, all of that motivation you had before is gone. It mutated into guilt because you've let yourself down. Deep down you knew you didn't have it in you, and that's the proof! You might as well give up. Maybe you'll make it stick next year, that's what new years resolutions are for, right?
What if instead of trying to prove to yourself you're a better person, you don't even question it in the first place? You're into healthy eating now, have a healthy relationship with social media, make solid financial decisions, and prefer a clean living space. All of that's a given. Just like the fact you like your friends and family. Arguing with them once doesn't cause you to abandon them and consequently label yourself as a social outcast. So why is failing to keep up with your new habits now and then such a big deal?
Imagine watching a fit girl being lazy and eating a burger. First of all: stop being a creep. But also, I bet you wouldn't question whether she's fit or not. You know she is, it's obvious. So the goal is to apply the same logic to your transformations. Just cause you don't look like a certain kind of person yet, or behave accordingly 100% of the time, doesn't mean you're not that kind of person. If you stop worrying about whether or not you've got what it takes, you can invest that energy into proving yourself you do.
This approach can't heal a paralyzed person. Sorry to break it to you. If you are physically or mentally unable to perform a certain action or achieve a desired outcome, changing your identity won't help you break the hard limitations of the real world. The fact that you can make sense of my ramblings on this blog proves that you're safe when it comes to your mental capabilities though.
In my experience, character traits cannot be created or destroyed (similar to energy, for the physics geeks out there). This poses another limitation. I'm pretty sure Mother Teresa couldn't have willed herself into becoming a power-hungry dictator. At the end of the day, this doesn't make much of a difference for the vast majority of individuals out there. For instance, some people might be convinced they don't have a knack for finances, but trust me when I say: you do. It might be blocked by some limiting beliefs, but it's not like there's some insurmountable law of nature keeping you from staying afloat financially.
So to reshape your identity, this change has to be:
- within your physical and mental potential
- compatible with who you are at your core
Step 1: Hone in on a target
Identities are not easily created. If you want to apply this approach, the main thing to keep in mind is to make this identity believable. Telling yourself you're a skilled filmmaker will only pan out if you know what that entails. That's why I don't like the concept of affirmations. I can tell myself I'm beautiful all day long, it won't make me attractive. I've tried. What works though is adopting the identity of someone that's well-groomed and stylish. The caveat being of course that you also need to be very concrete on what you mean by "groomed and stylish". Once you've honed in on that, you also need to do some research, otherwise, you're missing the skills and know-how needed to put that new identity into practice.
The first step to making your desired identity believable is creating a vivid mental image of it. What does being a fit person mean to you? What is a healthy lifestyle? Dissect buzzwords like "entrepreneurial mindset" and "mindfulness". Break it down. What are the traits of such a person? How does this person behave on a day-to-day basis? Simply telling yourself you want to be like Elon Musk isn't enough. Ask yourself "What would Elon Musk do?".
Once you know all the ins and outs of what you want to be, give yourself the resources necessary to behave accordingly. You need to know how to behave in congruence with this identity. If you want to be thin, you need to know the basics of nutrition. Want to be more adventurous? Ask some of your more spontaneous friends about their wildest experiences so far, and how they made them happen. Do some research on typical habits associated with your desired identity, and start to build extensive knowledge on all topics surrounding it.
Step 2: Pretend you're a time traveler
Now you need to give yourself some slack. Making this approach work has something in common with enjoying most works of fiction: suspension of disbelief. There's something you want to achieve, and your heart is set on getting there. The simple fact you're this intense about it proves you already are this kind of person. Otherwise, you wouldn't even bother trying. And that's it, all of your focus and energy will be aimed at acting according to your identity, not at overthinking and punishing yourself for every little mistake along the way.
Another way to look at it: Imagine yourself once you've fully embraced this new identity. You're more spontaneous, more orderly, loving, calm, energetic whatever it may be. Now pretend this version of yourself traveled back in time, to where you are right now. What would they do? And since we've already established you've got everything it takes (it was just hidden) ask yourself what differentiates this time-traveling version from your current self. The answer: nothing apart from some additional time that passed, and the compound effects of living according to this identity.
Also, remember how even the top 1% in any given field had to start somewhere. Yes, some had unfair advantages, but there are almost always some examples for "Cinderella stories" of people that started from scratch and still achieved excellence.
Step 3: The hack that's still fucking hard to pull off
So far this was kinda abstract. If you've read some of my other articles, you know I'm on a personal campaign against all that pointless "feel-good, motivational" content out there. Well, it doesn't have to be pointless, as long as it's actionable. This is where this bummer of a last step comes in: Hard work and consistency. Yeah, I know, sounds exhausting, and trust me, it will be. Reshaping your identity requires a lot of effort.
I've already told you it's crucial to make this identity believable. In addition to having a clear picture of what it means to you and the necessary resources, you need to constantly reinforce it. However, that's exactly why the "identity first" approach can work wonders when it comes to habit building because the reinforcement is partially automated by the new identity. Two scenarios:
- "habit first" approach: You tell yourself you want to be fit. So you try to get into the habit of working out regularly. This is hard and demotivating at first. Deep down you ask yourself: "Why am I enduring this kind of torture. Just to get fit? Don't make a fool of yourself, look in the mirror, that's not what a fit person looks like...". You're not only struggling to keep the habit going, but also fighting off those inner voices. Working out is primarily a punishment for not being fit yet.
- "identity first" approach: You tell yourself that at your core, you are a fit person because you realize the value of being fit and therefore have made it a priority. You do some research and realize how beneficial regular exercise is for your mental and physical wellbeing. Working out still sucks a lot, but at least it partially feels like you're treating yourself, and living according to your values. Working out is primarily self-actualization because you know that at your core, you are a fit person.
One major trap is to assume these actions (for instance working out if you want to be fit) come naturally and without effort. They will eventually, but even if you change your identity, you will encounter resistance at the beginning. In addition to having clarity on your desired identity, you need to consciously choose actions that will support this identity. If you've done your research, it won't be hard to come up with these actions. Focus on making it as easy as possible for yourself to get started. For instance, if you want to build your way toward financial freedom using the stock market, make sure you have everything set up to make your first investments. You won't wake up one day magically knowing everything that's required, even if you believe in this new identity. At first, you need to put in the work to acquire the basics.
Summary
One approach to introduce positive change into your life is to reshape your identity.
- Start by gaining clarity on what exactly you want to change, and what kind of person you want to become
- Do some research on what it means to be this kind of person, and the actions associated with it
- Suspend your disbelief and know that at your core, you already are this person, otherwise, you wouldn't be drawn to it
- Create an identity strong enough to withstand the occasional phases of laziness
- Let the identity fuel your actions, which will, in turn, reinforce the identity
