Goals

• Gain clarity on your goals
• Finetune and adapt your goals so you’ll actually get what you were hoping for

Introduction

Imagine hearing a loud noise, suddenly there are cracks in the ceiling and I come crashing down right in front of you. As the dust settles, you notice I’m pointing a mic at you, and with an unfazed smile on my face, I start interviewing you:

What are your main goals? What are you hoping to achieve with them? Why? Are you sure your goals are the best way to get there? How do you know you’re not wasting your time chasing these dreams? Why is there a hole in your ceiling?

I wish someone did this to me a few years ago (minus the damaged property). I was too invested in “self-improvement” to ask myself what I’m actually hoping to get out of it. While I wouldn’t have made a 180° when it came to my goals, it might have inspired me to make certain adjustments a whole lot sooner.

Are you fixing symptoms?

John is your run-of-the-mill pickup artist. Deep down, he’s quite a nice guy, but a couple of times a week he’s all on in approaching women, optimizing his opening lines, and tracking his progress. His main goal: convincing them to sleep with him. Why? Well, he tells himself that desirable, successful men have sex on a regular basis, with tons of different women. And he wants to be one of those men. Thing is, he used to be way too shy to talk to girls. He just wanted to be noticed, to get some of their attention. And then he stumbled across a book by Neil Strauss, and the rest is history...

I’m not saying every pickup artist is barking up the wrong tree and they should rather ask themselves why they need to coax others into liking them. For some, it might be their calling in life, who knows. To the other 99%: Aren’t you just treating a symptom here?

Another example: Pretty much everyone has fantasized about being rich and famous at some point in their life. Some even get there. Exposing our attraction to fame and glory as a widespread delusion is probably no news to anyone. Still, we find ourselves dreaming about the adventures we could have, if only we won the lottery or had what it takes to be a contestant on the bachelor(ette). Stuff like this is enticing because deep down we think it will make us happy. Somehow. And instead of pushing these aspirations aside, we might learn something about ourselves if we took the time to unravel what exactly we’re hoping to get. Recognition? Reverence? Revenge? Some other words starting with R?

Once you figure out which symptom you’re trying to address, you can dig deeper and uncover the underlying issue. But how?

Keep asking why

Ever heard of the 5 whys? When confronted with a problem, the idea is that once you’ve asked “why” 5 times in a row, you’ll uncover the root cause. I’m gonna be real with you: It doesn’t need to be 5 times. Stop as soon as it seems pointless to go any further. If you notice yourself slipping into philosophical discussions about what it means to want something, and whether desire is even a real thing, you’ve gone too far.

Let’s assume you want to get fit.

Why? Well, because you will look and feel healthy.

Why would you want that? Because summer is coming up and you want to feel comfortable at the beach.

Why is that important to you? Hmm, to impress others.

Why do you care? Because you’re hoping to attract a mate!

But why? If you’re honest with yourself, you’ve been feeling kinda lonely lately, and not good enough to attract someone the way you are right now.

Ok, so that’s what we need to work on. Getting fit is actually just a small part of the puzzle. And as long as you don’t take it to unnatural extremes, chasing your fitness goals won’t do you any harm, so nothing wrong with that approach. But you might wake up a few years from now, swole af, only to realize it didn’t do much for fixing your loneliness and low self-esteem. So in addition to your aspirations in the gym, figure out how to love yourself the way you deserve to be loved.

How to apply what you’ve just learned

Think of the main goals and projects you are working on right now. The pros among you might even have a list with you at all times! For each of them, follow the process outlined in this flowchart.

“A fucking flowchart? Is this a business seminar” you might say, but I assure you: While a flowchart isn’t sexy, when applied with the right mindset, it can be a super handy tool for self-reflection. Think of it as a guide, a simple visualization of a reflection method. Use it as inspiration, not as a strict set of rules to follow. There’s one rule though: If you’ve read this far, you have to try it!

‍