Goals

• Understand how the way our school system is set up might cause anxiety later on
• Gain clarity on upcoming decisions
• Learn to give yourself some slack, both for all the times you messed and, and for the times you will mess up, because

Introduction

Allegedly, 5th graders in china got the following question in one of their math exams: "If a ship had 26 sheep and 20 goats onboard, how old is the ship's captain?"

You might feel tempted to come up with some sort of answer. It's a question in a math test after all, and the main takeaway we got from school was: There is always a right answer, you should know it, and if you don't, you're a disgrace to your school, your family, and your whole country! You'll never make it in life and, truthfully, everyone would be better off if you sold all of your organs on the black market. Probably the only conceivable way a dumbass like you can contribute to society in any meaningful way. But don't sell that brain, it's useless garbage.

Ok maybe your experience was slightly different, but those were the vibes I remember from back when I was in school.

A mindset like this can lead to anxiety later in life. Let's take a closer look at why, and how to fix it.

Step 1: Which decisions do you feel anxious about?

We are constantly making decisions. Some seem important, some less so. Leaving home, starting an education, thinking about which job to apply for or which offer to accept. Whether to buy or rent. Investing in bitcoin. Having kids now, waiting a couple of years, or not having kids at all. Breaking up with your partner, suggesting taking a break or switching to a non-monogamous type of relationship. Ending a long list of examples with a joke to make it feel less serious, or getting meta.

Write down all current and upcoming decisions that are stressing you out. Take some time to do proper soul-searching. If we feel anxious about an upcoming decision, both endless overthinking and suppression are common reactions, and the latter will take a while to uncover.

Step 2: Do you regret certain decisions?

If you could travel back in time, confront your past self, and then proceed to kick the crap out of them because they are about to make one of their - and unfortunately also your - biggest mistakes, which crucial decisions would you pick? And on a scale from light bruises to "not even my own mother would recognize this face after I'm done", how much aggression would be appropriate?

Create a top 10 list of regrettable personal decisions. Maybe it's a top 20, or just a single one.

If you can't think of any, you've either never messed up, or have reached an admirable level of self-forgiveness. In any case: Great job! Skip step 3, and pat yourself on the back. If you still have a back to pat on, since you've probably already ascended to some astral plane.

Step 3: Give yourself some slack

Take the list of fuck-ups from step 2, and remember the circumstances which caused you to do whatever stupid shit you've done. I'm using quite harsh language here, but you should do the opposite. The goal is to understand and sympathize with all of the flaws you come with.

Remember: No one makes mistakes on purpose. You've had your reasons. You thought it was the right thing. If it turned out to be a misjudgment on your behalf, learn from it.

Even if you might not feel like hugging your past, dumbass self at this point, every day we deduced from the hospital visit they would need if you encountered them today counts as progress.

Step 4: Reframe anxiety caused by upcoming decisions

Hold on to that forgiveness, and take a look at the list of anxiety-inducing decisions from step 1. Go over each item, and ask yourself these questions:

• Do I feel anxious about this because I'm afraid I might make the wrong decision?
• Do I feel like others will judge me because of it?
• How much of the anxiety stems from other people's opinions?
• Who will judge whether you made the right choice? Your future self? Someone else? (Hint: if it's anyone but you, try again). And based on which metrics?
• Remember: This is not a quiz with right and wrong answers/decisions. Even if something seems like a binary choice, could there be more options? Maybe some that give you more room to breathe and open up the possibility to change your mind after the fact?
• In which ways might the anxiety, and the procrastination that comes with it be causing more harm than the "wrong" decision ever could?

If you think of your life as one big quiz, where you either pass or fail, you've already failed. Well, no, scratch that, the point is: There are no right or wrong answers. You will be the final judge of whether it was a success or not. You will change your opinion, a lot. And even your baseline definition of what it means to live a good life will change. Don't ever give someone else the power to give you a grade for your accomplishments, or lack thereof. Your life is not an exam. In the real world, if you don't know the right answer, you can look it up, try again and find alternatives.

Also: I hope you paid attention! There will be an exam next week, see you then!

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