Goals
- Become a better friend, family member, or colleague by learning how to listen, ask the right questions, and give actually useful advice
Introduction
You have friends, right? No? Ouch...
But at least you got family! Oh, they all died as a result of Donald Trump promoting hydroxychloroquine as a preventative for coronavirus, however not due to adverse side-effects, but because they were brutally murdered - rightly so - by lupus patients in need of that drug, who were now struggling to get it as it was in high demand? So sorry to hear that... Also, sorry for the long sentence.
So, how about colleagues, you got those right? Ok great, then I might have something for you! Imagine you mastered the skill of helping others, simply by talking to them. Well, actively listening is a better description.
In my previous articles, I've taught you to be an egocentric maniac, obsessed with your own goals and wellbeing. And I stand by that. You should be at the top of your priority list because happy, fulfilled people are so much better at helping others. Having covered these basics, you're ready to step up your game and support the people around you as well. And spoiler alert: there's a lot to gain for all of you egocentric maniacs. Because as we all know, we should be our own best friend, and therefore learning how to be better friends is kinda selfish if we're honest.
Throughout my life, I've had people opening up to me quite quickly, and I noticed how these conversations helped them deal with some of their issues, even though I hardly said anything, merely listening most of the time. I'll let you in on some key learnings I made, as well as my main takeaways of the "Co-Active Coaching" methodology by Kimsey-House, Sandahl, and Whitworth, which I've studied to strengthen this skill. Highly recommended read!
More than just a problem to be solved
Helping others is awesome. But it falls apart when you try to do it on purpose. Don't grab your closest friend and force them to unveil their biggest insecurities just so can give some generic advice and award yourself the "best friend" trophy. Going about a conversation (be it with a friend, family member, or colleague at work) with the mindset of wanting to solve a problem will make exactly that impossible. Don't forget: People are capable of finding answers on their own. It's not your job to fix them. If they want to let you in on some of their struggles, great. Just don't go crazy on unsolicited advice, keep that to a minimum.
We've all had this conversation where all we wanted was to let off some steam, talk trash about someone, or complain just for the heck of it. And then there's this friend that won't stop suggesting perfectly valid solutions, forcing their fucking positive mindset on us. Ugh, that's exhausting! On the flip side, hugs and sympathy are useless in certain situations. Someone stole my car, Karen. You listening patiently won't get it back! Help me organize some replacement vehicle for fucks sake! Keep in mind which type of support the other person is asking for. Emotional, practical, or both?
The 3 types of listening
I bet you've had conversations like this before:
Person A: So I've been seeing this girl for a while now, and I thought this might go somewhere. But I've barely heard from her since last week, she's very closed off all of a sudden...
Person B: Man, this sucks! I've been there!
Person A: Yeah it does, and now I don't quite know what to do. I don't want to lose her. Should I ask her what's wrong?
Person B: Nah, just ditch her! Trust me, she's already with someone else. I've had to learn this the hard way. So, a few months ago...
Not much of a conversation, is it? Person A might get some advice, but it might not be the type of advice they are looking for. How about this instead?
Person A: So I've been seeing this girl for a while now, and I thought this might go somewhere. But I've barely heard from her since last week, she's very closed off all of a sudden, she's usually not like that.
Person B: What do you mean? What's she usually like?
Person A: She always told me about her day, even when she wasn't feeling that great. Maybe I said something wrong? Should I ask her?
Person B: It sounds like you're blaming yourself. What if this has nothing to do with you?
Person A: Hmm, she said she's got some deadlines coming up that are stressing her out...
This time around, person B was listening, much better. The focus was still on solving the problem.
Person A: So I've been seeing this girl for a while now, and I thought this might go somewhere. But I've barely heard from her since last week, she's very closed off all of a sudden, she's usually not like that.
Person B: Puh, I can feel how much this is weighing you down.
Person A: Oh, is it that obvious?
Person B: Yeah, but maybe not just because she's distant now. Seems like she's extremely important to you?
Person A: Hmm, she is. I haven't felt this much of a connection in such a long time. I don't want to lose her.
Person B: Tell me more about how you've been feeling lately, and how she plays into that.
Person A: So I've been feeling kinda depressed for a few months now...
In this last example, person B was not just listening to what was being said, but also taking in clues such as the tone in the other person's voice, posture, intuition, etc. Listening with all of their senses.
If there's one thing to take away from this article, it's that you should try to listen as holistically as possible, for as long as possible. Save personal anecdotes and advice for later, once you have all the required details.
Ask the right questions
Just listening without any sort of reaction will get awkward after a while. Trust me, I've tried. Similar to the different levels of listening, there are better and worse questions.
- When someone is trying to get fit
Bad question: How many times a week do you want to work out?
Better: What does "being fit" mean to you? - Thinking about potential destinations for a vacation
Bad question: So which cities do you have in mind?
Better: What would make an ideal vacation? - Summarizing the next steps
Bad question: So what steps have we agreed on?
Better: How do you feel about the next steps? - When someone isn't able to make a decision
Bad question: Which option do you prefer?
Better: What's missing for you to feel good about this decision?
Try to ask open-ended, curious questions that invite the other person to provide a longer answer and bring up other topics that are still on their mind. Yes/No or black/white type of questions are the enemy when it comes to getting something useful out of a conversation.
Will you accept the challenge?
If you follow the points we've outlined so far, you'll end up being pretty passive, mostly listening and asking vague questions. In general, there's nothing wrong with that, as we don't want to force our own agenda on the other person by overwhelming them with facts and clear step-by-step instructions on how to solve their issues. However, I don't know if you've noticed, but that's not how normal humans talk.
Let's make the whole situation a bit more interactive. Once you've listened long enough to get a grasp of the situation, you'll get certain intuitions as to which actions would make the most sense. For instance, if someone is struggling to keep their financial situation in check, you might request they create a detailed budget for their personal expenses. Instead of simply suggesting it, you ask them to commit to this action, increasing the chances of them sticking to the plan. Make sure this request isn't perceived as a command, they are free to decline, or to make a counteroffer.
One potential trap to be aware of: people with horribly low self-esteem. They are unwilling to accept challenges as they are convinced they won't be able to succeed. In these cases, start small, very small. Give them challenges they virtually can't not accomplish and build your way up from there.
Summary, and what's in it for my fellow egocentric maniacs?
TL;DR on how to give advice:
- There is no problem to be solved. Listen, be curious, and support them emotionally. If they ask for help, do your best, but don't force it.
- Listening isn't about you jumping in with a personal anecdote or cookie-cutter advice as soon as the opportunity arises. Listen with all of your senses, let the other person speak their mind.
- Ask open-ended, curious questions.
- Challenge them by making requests. Slowly build up their trust in their own abilities.
You are your own best - and maybe only - friend. Luckily, the same lessons apply to the way you talk to yourself. Therefore, also apply these learnings to the way you go about interactions with yourself.
Be nice, talk, listen, and support each other! See you next week!
