Goals

• Learn how beliefs work
• Dismantle your limiting beliefs
• Create and adopt empowering alternatives

Introduction

You're coasting along in life, things are pretty chill, and bam!! Change smacks you in the face, you black out. Numb and not quite conscious, you're trying to piece together what the hell just happened. For a while, life goes on, without you. And as you begin to question who "you" even are, you start to realize that maybe this wasn't so bad after all. Maybe instead of picking yourself back up again, why not let this version of yourself stay where it is, pretty much dead already, and give it the rest it deserves after years of fighting. Why not reinvent yourself? Be honest: you wanted to leave this old, defeated version behind anyway. It was weighed down by way too many limiting beliefs. You didn't know it at the time, but thanks to this shock-induced out-of-body experience, you finally see yourself for what you truly are, and what you could be.

Something similar has happened to me a few years ago.

The smack in the face: my girlfriend leaving me for someone else.

The period of black-out: a long-overdue reality check, forcing me to face the truth about my life, outside of the failed relationship.

The old version I left behind: full of insecurities, covert self-hatred, limiting beliefs, and desperately waiting for someone or something to rescue him.

I refused to believe that just because I was a certain way in the past, I would always stay like that. If the people around me can change their minds, I can do the same! I used to believe that doing sports was not my thing. Hell, I even had a lifetime of bad experiences to back that up! But what if I'm wrong?

Then I learned that to overcome some of my most persistent limiting beliefs, I needed to give up control. I wasn't planning on becoming a team leader. "I'm the type that works alone, for themselves" I thought. I can't lead anyone, nor would I ever want to. But when I was forced to, I quickly realized that all of my previous assumptions were utterly useless fears in disguise.

Working on my limiting beliefs was a big part of getting my shit together. I wanted to know more about it. So I did some research, and the step-by-step guide below is the culmination of theoretical knowledge and years of trial and error.

Primer on Beliefs

You've probably heard the story: To restrain baby elephants, a chain is tied around their leg. The baby elephant will try their best but is not strong enough to break free. After a while, it will learn that it cannot escape, and therefore stops making an effort. Years pass, and even though the elephant is now an impressive and almost unstoppable giant, a flimsy rope is enough to hold them in place. In childhood, they created the belief that this thing around their leg will not budge, no matter how hard they try. And being intelligent creatures, they won't waste any energy on what they perceive to be a hopeless effort.

After doing some research, I'm not convinced elephants are that easily fooled in real life. So don't quote me on that. Regardless of factual truth, it serves to illustrate the power of beliefs.

A belief is a generalization about ourselves, others, or pretty much anything. It is typically based on past experience. This can go both ways. Enjoying the company of our friends will manifest in the belief that friends are a good thing, and we should spend as much time as possible with them. Few will argue that this belief is working against our best interest. On the other hand, being ridiculed for our lacking academic abilities early on in life will certainly make us question whether we should even try to go for that fancy education, as we will probably keep failing. Both of these generalizations are - taken at face value - equally reasonable. One of them however will empower us, the other one will hold us back.

Ultimately, the strength of any belief, whether it's helpful or harmful, is determined by the emotional intensity of the related experiences, as well as the frequency. Being told over and over again, that money is the root of all evil, can stick with us regardless of lacking emotion. Just like one immensely painful breakup can result in some equally stubborn thought patterns.

Before you continue: I don't want you skimming over this article. I want it to affect you. I want you to take action. So I request you go back to part I, pick 2 of your strongest limiting believes, and at least keep them in mind while reading through the step-by-step guide. This way you will relate to it on a personal level, drastically increasing the chances of some of the ideas sticking with you long enough to make a difference. This blog isn't meant to simply entertain and make you feel good. It's meant to change your life for the better.

Step 1: Dismantle your limiting beliefs

What if you're wrong? What if you are good enough after all? What if poor decision-making doesn't run in your family? What if you have enough money to take a vacation once in a while?

Are you 100% certain your belief is correct, and always will be?

For each of your limiting beliefs, take your time to question its validity. Allow your brain to get used to these doubts, and let them grow.

If you let these beliefs go unchecked, what impact would that have on your future happiness? What could it take away from the quality of your experiences? Get angry at them for the damage they have done so far, and the damage they would do if you let them!

Step 2: Create powerful alternatives

We want answers, and we prefer certainty. Having weakened many preconceived notions in step 1, let's offer our brains some alternatives. Some answers to patch the holes in the fabric of our belief systems.

So you used to think you get distracted easily. Now you've realized that in the past, you have come across some contradicting examples of laserlike focus. And you know that by simply assuming you can't concentrate as well as others, you routinely don't even try, and therefore have cultivated a self-fulfilling prophecy, which will harm your ability to reach your goals long-term. Now, what's a suitable replacement for this? Something that's both believable and empowering. It should not just be a euphemism like "I'm very perceptive and easily latch on to new stimuli" but proof of your capabilities. How about "Once something has caught my interest, I won't let go"

Step 3: Get the references to back them up

"Just believe in yourself" is total bullshit. You're not here to read some feel-good easily digestible snippets of motivation. To truly believe in something, you better provide some strong evidence!

Example:

Limiting belief: I don't have enough money to enjoy life.

Step 1: Is that true? What would happen if I keep thinking like that?

Step 2: My new alternate belief is: A good life doesn't require large amounts of money.

Step 3: Gather references. Talk to people that do stuff you generally envy them for and ask them how much it cost. Think of some of the happiest people you know. Chances are, they aren't the ones with the largest amounts of disposable income. Ask them what they think about the correlation between money and happiness.

Also, gather as much knowledge as possible. For the previous example, do some research on fun activities and experiences that are free, or dirt-cheap. The point of references is not just to convince yourself that the alternate belief might be true, but to give yourself the resources you need to make it true. Gather information on how to live a healthy life, how to deal with mental or physical disabilities, how to manage your finances. Whatever is necessary to make your alternate beliefs a reality.

Step 4: Experience life according to your new beliefs

So far you've collected references in the form of other people's experiences and theoretical knowledge. This should be enough to impact your behavior in a positive fashion. But if you want to kickstart the formation of these new, empowering beliefs, you need to actively push yourself to behave in accordance with them. Personal experience is the most powerful form of reference you can hope to get.

Example:

Limiting belief: Too much responsibility makes me nervous.

Step 1: Is that true? What would happen if I keep thinking like that?

Step 2: My new alternate belief is: I can handle responsibilities.

Step 3: Talk to people that took over a lot of responsibility and ask them how they're doing it. Think back to positive personal experiences in that area. Learn how to cope with stress and pressure.

Step 4: Actively seek and take over responsibility. Make sure it's challenging enough, but not to a degree where you keep having negative experiences (which could reinforce your old patterns). Notice how, over time, you'll lose the fear of responsibility.

Unfortunately, it's not always this simple. Many of your beliefs will be very circumstantial. How can you build trust in your new beliefs surrounding relationships, when you're currently single? Well, you can't. Focus on the previous steps to get rid of remaining limiting beliefs, and be patient.

Step 5: Repetition

Do it. Over and over again... Especially gaining additional references and experiences. Reinforce your new empowering beliefs until they become second nature.

This principle is the inverse of the well-known effect of learned helplessness. Bad experiences, combined with a lack of perceived control, will over time and with enough repetition manifest in an inability to escape the bad experience.

Each step was aimed at strengthening your agency and control over your belief systems, carefully and sustainably. Now all that's left is backing it up with as many positive experiences as possible, which, if you picked the right alternate beliefs, will be a fun and enriching chapter of your life.

Adopting new beliefs will feel weird at first. You have to overcome years of conditioning after all. And while this was not the originally intended context (as is the case for so many "motivational" quotes that have been overused to a point of losing all meaning), Arthur Schopenhauer summarized the journey your new beliefs will have to make quite poignantly:

First, it is ridiculed.
Second, it is violently opposed.
Third, it is accepted as self-evident.

So be warned, your brain will try its best to sabotage your efforts to transform its belief system. Don't give up, I know you can make it to the other side, and trust me, it's quite nice over here.

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