Goals

• Getting to know your needs and desires a bit better
• Putting your current life satisfaction into perspective (based on your own past)
• Pinpointing areas that need your attention
• Brainstorming ways to get you to live in alignment with your needs

Introduction

Glad to see you again! So last time we've discussed how to create your own map of needs, outlining the key factors that contribute to your happiness and wellbeing. Think of it as a kind of instruction manual on how to become one of those people that - no matter what happens - have that annoying perma-grin on their faces and won't shut up about how much they're looking forward to the most mundane of tasks. But you'll be much more likable than them, I promise.

What you'll need

• About 1 hour of your precious, precious time
• Personalized map of needs (see last weeks article)
• A place to take notes

Guide

Your map of needs not only outlines your comfort zone for each of your top priority needs but also how you're doing at the moment. And while it's certainly helpful to know you're "in the danger zone" in some areas, we need to know whether there's a silver lining in sight or you're just making things worse before we call the cops and lock you up for criminal need neglect.

Step 1: Getting additional reference points

Life is like a rollercoaster. Constantly going up and down, except when it's not, and things seem to stand still, never changing. Did you go through some major changes in your life recently? Your map might have been unrecognizable before those changes, or at the very least, the black dots indicating your current level of need satisfaction would have. You might also think everything is exactly how it was a year ago (albeit hard to believe with the whole global pandemic...). Let's put those assumptions to the test.

Either pick a recent, impactful event or an arbitrary period about a year ago. For example, I went through a break-up recently, and now I'd like to know whether this was visible on my map of needs (spoilers: It was). For each need, think back and try to put yourself in the state of mind you had back then. How does it feel? Is the need satisfied? Is it completely neglected and well outside its comfort zone? Coming back to my previous example, needs such as love and sexuality were definitely better off than they are now, the opposite however is true for others, and some of them were nearly unaffected by the breakup. Similar things will be true for you. Maybe you've switched jobs, are now a proud (but chronically over-exhausted) parent, or finally quit smoking. Even if your life took no sharp turns recently, it might still be valuable to think back half a year or so and see how things have changed when it comes to your perceived levels of satisfaction. To better visualize this on your map, pick either a different color or symbol and mark it similar to how you already have a black dot indicating the current state.

While one additional reference point will be enough to continue and get a better estimation for the trajectory you're on at the moment, feel free to add other episodes of your past as well. How was life back in school? Or when you moved out of your parent's home? Or when you finally shelled out the few bucks for a Netflix subscription instead of pirating everything and consequently fell into a deep dark binging hole, lost all your motivation, friends, and finally your job, until inevitably Netflix kicked you out because you couldn't even afford those few bucks a month, which then finally put an end to that sweet, sweet binging? Just me? Ok...

Step 2: It's a trap!

Some of you have probably been screaming at me from the moment I mentioned the term "needs". "If anything, we should rid ourselves of any and all needs, this is the only way to achieve true happiness!!!". You must be really out of breath by now. Give your lungs a short break and let me explain.

Grossly oversimplified, Buddhism teaches us that desire and attachment inevitably lead to suffering. To avoid this, and reach enlightenment, one must free themselves of such cravings and needs. Truer words have rarely been spoken, so I definitely agree or at the very least acknowledge it as a perfectly valid way to go about life and the pursuit of happiness. This is exactly why I employ you to proceed with great caution. Some, if not all of those needs are traps! Nothing more than a carrot on a stick motivating us to keep going, never reaching the goal.

As humans, we are primed to hunt for moving targets. One could even go as far as postulating it as the only possible outcome of the evolutionary processes that shaped us from not particularly noteworthy primates into what ultimately ended up being the dominant species. Or to be more precise: those among our ancestors that didn't stop chasing once they satisfied their needs, but instead kept going - always wanting more food, safety, comfort, status, mating partners, and so on - were the ones that passed on their genetic blueprint. And you're the result of those eons of highly successful, but perpetually restless individuals. Another gross oversimplification - definitely- but it still serves as a nice metaphor for why we tend to keep looking at the horizon, finding it hard to appreciate what's right in front of us and are obsessing about what's out there instead, what we could have if we just kept going.

Back to your map of needs. Chances are, you won't ever be in the comfort zone across the whole map. And even if you were, and kept every aspect of your life the same, some of those comfort zones will slowly creep toward higher standards, mutating conditions we would have described as perfectly fine at one point to something we can barely accept any more. We need to be aware of this when drafting an action plan to maximize our satisfaction levels based on our needs. But this simple tendency of the human condition is not necessarily what I would call a trap.

To identify a trap, we need to ask ourselves three questions:

• How would it feel like if this need was truly satisfied?
• What would it take?
• Apart from hopefully feeling better, are there any other positive effects this would have on my life?

If your answers resemble these, you might be in trouble:

• "Well, I'd just feel better, I'd be happy"
• "Things just need to be better than they are right now. I just want a bit more of this, a bit more of that, and everything needs to be easier"
• "Everything will just be better, and I'll finally be happy. Stop asking me these silly questions!"

If on the other hand, these ones sound familiar, you're probably good (imagine the example of financial security):

• "I wouldn't have to worry about how to afford a nice summer vacation for me and my family. And we would upgrade our home, so each of our kids can have their own bedroom, making me feel like I can provide them the life they deserve."
• "20-30k extra a year would cover all that. Or we decrease some of our spendings. Plus job security would be beneficial to feel better about the new mortgage."
• "We would also be able to afford the piano lessons our son asked for, this might help him get out of his shell a bit more. And regular vacations are something that I and the Mrs. have been looking forward to for a long time, so I feel like it will increase the amount of quality time we can spend with each other and the kids."

The key difference is specificity, which happens to be the antidote for moving targets and never actually reaching your goals.

Applying the principle of specificity to my own map of needs, I have to acknowledge that "Approval and Acceptance", at least according to my own definition (or lack thereof) probably classifies as a trap. I couldn't give you a clear picture of what it would take, and how it would feel like. Deep down I was just hoping it would be rewarding. I imagined the more approval I would receive, the better I would feel. So if you also come across an overly elongated comfort zone, it might need some extra thinking and clarity.

Try to reduce the danger of trap needs as much as possible before you continue with the next step.

Step 3: Identify where to start

If you are anything like me - and the majority of humanity - not all of your needs will currently be in their comfort zone. This doesn't automatically constitute a reason to throw a tantrum and curse your existence. It might be a pre-mediated, temporary state. For instance neglecting most other aspects of your life so you finish the last stretches of your education, which will enable you to follow your dreams. Or it might be a normal part of the human condition. Hopefully, this example is not relatable to any of my readers, but you might be grieving the loss of a loved one, and therefore your needs such as fun, light-heartedness, optimism, or adventure might have taken a hit. Forcing an immediate change will most likely just prolong the suffering. Some pain needs time to be appropriately addressed and integrated into our lives.

In general, I'd recommend the following prioritisation:

1. Are there any needs that are "over-satisfied" to a substantial degree? Take note of that, if the actions you will come up with later take some extra time or energy, this might be a good place to get these from. For example, my need for structure, order, and routine clearly got plenty of attention. Reducing the energy spent on keeping those systems running and investing them somewhere else will be an easy improvement.
2. For needs that are well outside of their comfort zones: Which ones show the biggest discrepancy between the levels of satisfaction you are currently getting in this area, and the levels required for you to feel at peace? The larger the distance, the easier it usually is to identify simple steps with noticeable impact.
3. For needs inside their comfort zone: Which ones have the longest way to go until they stop improving your quality of life, meaning there's still plenty of room until they reach the upper limit of the comfort zone.

Now that we have a rough idea of where to focus our attention, let's continue to the final step.

Step 4: A plan for action

We've reached the last, but incidentally most crucial step in this recipe: deriving actions. Actions you'll want to follow since they will get you to the next level when it comes to the awesomeness of your very own life. Sounds awesome right? Awesome!

Exaggerated enthusiasm aside, you should definitely give this step your full attention. Feeling a bit tired and overall just not that thrilled about changing your life for the better right at this moment? Take a break and come back later, I need all of your brainpower for this one.

Go over your map of needs, and for each category (based on the order we established in step 3), I have a few tough questions for you. I'd recommend taking notes instead of simply thinking about it. This helps to structure your stream of consciousness as well as getting your focus to be as sharp as the tip of the pencil you're using if you're old-school like me.

1. How would it feel like to be in the comfort zone for this specific need? Describe it as vividly as possible. For instance, go through a typical day you had recently, with one key difference: this need was fully satisfied. The goal is to ground and connect yourself with the emotions surrounding this desire of yours.
2. Which situations will make you feel like this in particular? Again, specificity is essential. Alternatively: which situations would need to stop or decrease in frequency to get you to this point? In this question, we move your attention from abstract feelings to more concrete, real-world scenarios.
3. To enable and facilitate these situations: what do you need to do? Both big picture (e.g., move to a different country, learn a new skill) as well as more fine-grained (e.g., ask a friend about that yoga class they've recommended, inviting some friends over for dinner). Now we get you to take responsibility when it comes to making these situations a real thing.
4. To make all of this a permanent part of your life: How do you need to be? And what do you do regularly - aka which habits will aid you in getting there? It also helps to think of people that are already there. Which characteristics stand out? And which habits do they have? One-time actions will only get you so far, but since we're actually making long-term improvements, we need to get you to think of similarly long-term solutions.

Armed with these questions and - much more important - your answers, it is now up to you. You have created a map, marked your desired destinations, and have even given yourself a clear set of directions. This is the start of a journey you will remember for a long time. But only if you get going. So remember: it's a recipe, just reading it won't satiate you, only trying it for yourself will.

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