Goals

• Work through different thought experiments to get a better feel for what it is you actually want

Introduction

Do you want to read this? No one is pointing a gun at your head and forcing you to, presumably. So it must mean you want to, doesn't it? Well, not so fast, my friend!

Let's take a minute to ponder: What does "wanting" even mean? Also: Who the fuck are you? A person? A human consciousness? A side-effect of brain chemistry conjuring up a self-perpetuating sense of identity, existing merely to better differentiate the "you" from the "other"? Pop science tells us that before we're even aware of wanting something or making a decision, it has already happened in our brains. If you were to trick someone into thinking something was their very own idea, our brains go as far as making up reasons for it after the fact! And we wholeheartedly believe we are the ones in charge! So are we nothing more than an observer, unaware of our insignificance in this journey we call our life?

Ok whoah, we went too deep. Philosophy and neuroscience, stop dragging us down and leave! We don't need you right now. I promise everything I'm about to tell you is tangible and immediately applicable.

Do you remember how it felt to be a kid? Coming home after a few hours of school, free to spend another day on anything and everything that came to your mind. Within certain limitations of course. But even an afternoon on the playground was exciting and filled with adventure. Or boredom. Which admittedly caused you to come up with some crazy, maybe even reckless ideas. So in any case: adventure! Now think about your life as an adult so far: Probably more than just a few hours at work, the evenings are occupied with all this grown-up bullcrap, and weekends are way too short to ever get bored. Oh, how you miss being a kid... Yet on paper, your freedom was much more limited back then. So, naively one would assume you used all that amazing freedom to build yourself the life you've always wanted. What the hell happened? This doesn't add up!

Now that I got you all excited and riled up about your mediocre existence (for fucks sake Stefan, stop insulting everyone!), you'll want to read about some ways to turn the ship around, don't you?

What do you want to be when you grow up?

To get you in the right mood for uncovering the answer to "What do I want?", it's helpful to go all the way back. Or maybe not even that far, depending on how old you are. What did you enjoy doing as a kid? When there were barely any previous choices pushing you in one direction or another. Pretty much all paths were open to you. Think about the kinds of games you played, and hobbies you started to explore (maybe you dropped them at some point). In a time of your life when many adults were asking "So what do you want to be when you grow up?", think about what you already were, no further growth needed. The leader of the group, cause that's what came naturally to you? The creative, shy type impressing others with beautiful works of art? Always laughing, smiling, bringing joy to everyone around you? The one that didn't think all that much of themselves, but was appreciated for their kind heart? Or that kid that only exists in movies: having it all figured out, smarter than all the adults around them, and being portrayed by actors at least 5 years too old. Reconnect with your inner child, the part of you that was unburdened by all of those social expectations you were confronted with later on. How did you spend your time when it was totally up to you? What did you want back then?

"I have to" vs "I want to"

One of the most common traps is confusing something you should do, with the stuff you actually want to do. I get it, pleasing others is important to some degree. Without the inclination to do so, human civilization would probably fall apart within a few years, since all of us would constantly be screwing each other over, breaking promises, and behaving like total sociopaths.

But all too often we're convinced that becoming a doctor, lawyer, architect, or Jeff Bezos was our idea, when in fact we never even questioned the path that someone else motivated us to pursue. And even worse than that: When there's no one secretly holding the strings. We felt compelled to a certain career path just because we thought others would approve of it. We threw our dreams out of the window, just to fit in.

Breaking out of this pattern is no easy task. It takes years and years of listening very closely to your needs and desires to distinguish those from what others want, or what you think they would.

But here's an exercise you can use to kickstart this process: Imagine everyone despised of what you're doing with your life. The education you're pursuing: word on the street is that's a total waste of time. Your hobbies: only lowlife would do that crap. The type of books you read or movies you watch: That's about the shittiest form of entertainment out there, who even produces that? The way you make a living: People just roll their eyes and walk away when you tell them. Your goals and ambitions: Not only are they doomed to fail, but even if you got there, everyone would ultimately give up on you, having irredeemably proven to them how worthless you are. Your personality: Others try to hide those traits you seem to be so proud of. They will never be accepted by society.

With this alternate reality in mind: Are there some parts of your life that seemed like an expression of your true self, but when confronted with opposition, you would immediately drop and make a 180?

You're not the victim

Did I manage to break you? Are you questioning all of your life choices? Terrific! Mission accomplished!

Take a while to pitty yourself for the sad excuse of a human that you are. But not too long, we don't want you to get used to this state, because: You are not the victim.

Even if you find yourself in a situation that you don't particularly enjoy, you need to remember that, for the most part, it's the result of many small steps and decisions you took on your own. Misguided or not, you were the one that got you to where you are right now.

Not being the victim doesn't equal being content. What I want you to remember is: It's ok to hate parts of your life. Regret decisions. Lament missed opportunities and stupid shit you've done. But take responsibility for everything that came before, and through that, realize that you can change the direction.

Warning: Only read this if you think you know what you want

I warned you. Now there's no turning back.

What's the point of asking yourself what you want? Ideally, if you know what you want (and have the required resources) you can shape your life and the world around you to your liking, maximizing your freedom and influence. I'm going to assume you are well-meaning and - given the opportunity - would make the world a better place. This is why I want to support you in that endeavor.

What was the warning about? I'll hit you with a reality check that will uncover all the little lies you tell yourself, which are ultimately holding you back. It might be uncomfortable to face certain truths, but in the end, it will be worth it.

Freedom. The ability to pursue the things you want. How much of that is present in your life?

An obvious question: Was it your decision to read this? Could you quit? Could you turn off the device you're reading this on?

Dress completely different than you normally do, starting tomorrow?

Join your friend on some crazy trip they've been fantasizing about, but so far you've declined?

Reach out to estranged family members?

Could you quit your job?

Leave your partner? Get a divorce?

Move to a different country?

Leave everything behind, and become a monk?

Question every aspect of your life, and ask yourself whether you could change it / quit it / no longer do it.

Your answers to these questions will be on a spectrum between two polar opposites:

• Excuses. "I can't, because I don't have the money. I don't know how to do it. It would be hard... I'm not good enough. It would inconvenience the people around me, it might even hurt them. If I do that, XYZ would happen, and that's really bad!" and so on...
• You think for a moment, slowly raise an eyebrow, and confidently conclude "Yeah I could... But why would I ever want to?"

I want to get you to a point, where most of your answers resemble the latter. That's the goal of this whole blog. We'll get there, together. See you next week.

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