Goals

• Learn about how you might be avoiding negative emotions right now
• Start listening in on their hidden messages
• Learn from them and improve your life in the process

Introduction

Now that I have a whopping 70 followers on Instagram, I'm gonna turn into one of those life hack channels. And I've got the first one already: I'm sure you've been troubled by some negative emotions before. Anger? Loneliness? Soul-crushing anxiety because your life is going absolutely nowhere? Life hack: Avoid and ignore them! Negative emotions just disappear if you pretend they're not there. Pretty much like any other problem. Life is fucking easy when you're a hacker!

Can't get up in the morning because being unconscious for a few more hours (aka sleeping) sounds way more fun than whatever you will have to deal with? Reward yourself in the evening by cracking open a cold one with a couple of friends, complaining about your shitty day and not changing anything.

Ever been bothered by the number on the bathroom scale in the morning? Sell it and buy some frozen pizzas instead, problem solved.

Don't like the way your significant other is treating you? Sulk for a while, and make sure to tell them how much their parents suck as soon as the opportunity presents itself.

Overwhelmed by existential dread and the numbing realization that another day has gone by without you being able to recall a single moment where you felt alive? Solution: Check what's hot on Netflix right now.

Don't get me wrong: Meeting friends to drink a couple of beers is awesome, just like frozen pizza and Netflix (talking trash about your partners' parents not so much...). Abusing these as a means to run away from whatever is troubling you will kick your ass in the long run. And while some of you might enjoy a proper smack on your behind, this one will not be enjoyable, no matter how kinky you are.

I hate to be a killjoy, but I recommend you listen to what your emotions are trying to tell you, instead of all the other creative ways humanity has found to avoid exactly that.

Different ways to deal with negative emotions

You can deal with emotions the right way or the wrong way. Below you can find 2 pretty unhealthy options and one that will turn a lot of those negative emotions into positive change.

Ignoring and avoiding them

While you technically cannot run away from your own negative emotions (as they are a part of you) many people try, and to some degree succeed! Success might not be an appropriate way to describe it though, as it usually means repressing them and dying before you ever get the chance to do something about it. I think we can agree that's not the way to go.

This can also take the form of avoiding situations that lead to these negative emotions. Let's say you're scared of public speaking, and therefore avoid it like the plague. That's one way to deal with this fear, and it might be fine as long as you're not limited by it. Avoiding all confrontation because you hate inconveniencing others is another example, but in this case, I'm certain it's actively hindering you from getting what you want in life. So it might be wise to face these emotions and listen to them very closely.

Building an identity around them

"I am busy. I am depressed. My life sucks. Everyone should feel bad for me." We all have days like this, and feeling sorry for ourselves can be somewhat "fun". As often in life, the dose makes the poison. You should think of yourself as someone experiencing negative emotions, but they don't define you. Try to not let it get that far.

Quick reality check: Has someone ever told you about something bad that has happened to them, and your first reaction was "oh, you think you've got it bad? Just listen to how bad I've got it!" If this rings a bell, you might want to spend some time thinking about why your own negative experiences and emotions are so important to you that you would interrupt someone else's story, and also read up on how to properly listen.

Listening to, learning from, and directing negative emotions

Emotions don't just happen to you. They have a reason, and you have the power to actively influence the way you handle them, as well as what you learn from them. The key is to realize these emotions - even the negative ones - serve as an invaluable guideline, pointing you towards a more fulfilling life. Simply put, negative emotions are nothing more than your body signaling "this isn't working for me, please do something about it". Imagine your partner telling you the same thing. Avoiding and ignoring them is childish. Building an identity around having a nagging partner is unattractive. But how about you listen to them, and work on improving the situation together? That sounds like the reasonable thing to do, right? So let's apply the same logic to negative emotions.

How to properly deal with negative emotions

Step 1: Identify, feel and appreciate the negative emotion

Feel your emotions, no matter how pointless it might seem. Otherwise, they'll begin to hate you. Much like an upset friend only gets more upset if instead of listening to them (maybe giving them a heartfelt hug as well), you just tell them they are overreacting and then you continue to point out obvious ways to fix the situation.

Lean into them a bit. Feel the sadness, the anger, the hopelessness, and tell yourself these are valid reactions to whatever you are dealing with at the moment. Let them unfold and transform. Remember, they want to tell you something, so you need to give them some space and listen for a while.

Step 2: Find the hidden message

Once you're ready, think about where this emotion is coming from. When did you start to feel like this? Has this happened before? What could be the point of this emotion? What is it trying to tell you?

Imagine waking up in a forest. You're drunk, or maybe you just hit your head in a weird way, whatever. All you know is your brain feels like it's doing things it wasn't meant for, and you have no recollection of how you got where you are right now. No phone, no wallet, nothing. Only that extremely unique and creative squid game themed Halloween costume. Well, at least you thought it was creative until you found out everyone had the same fucking idea... Memories of last night begin to resurface... You start thinking about how much you need to finally get your shit together because this isn't the first time something like that happened this week...

But this is neither the right place nor the right time to think about ways to become a proper adult. Getting home is the priority for now.

Similarly, when faced with negative emotions such as anger, fear, or anxiety, it might be smarter to write that down, deal with whatever needs to be dealt with and contemplate what those emotions are trying to tell you once you have the time and right state of mind.

A neat little exercise I found to be very effective in that regard: Set yourself a reminder, for instance, 14:00 every day, with the question: "how do you feel right now?". Write it down, collect these notes for about a week and then on a lazy Sunday afternoon, go through them and think about the hidden (or not so hidden) message behind these emotions. Why have you been feeling that way, and is there something that you wanna do about it?

Step 3: Consult your past self

Reinventing the wheel is tedious. I did that like 10 times in my past, only to discover someone else, including myself, already solved that problem. Much like you will already have experienced and dealt with certain negative emotions before.

Think back to the last few times you had to deal with something similar. What happened? How did you get over it?

Step 4: Take action

Once you've felt, listened to, and interpreted a negative emotion, the final and most important step is to do something about it. Take appropriate action if needed: talk to people, give yourself a day off, change aspects of your life, get rid of or introduce habits, reframe the situation. I've collected advice on how to deal with some of the most common negative emotions below.

Common negative emotions, and what to do about them

Discomfort

You're not feeling at ease, unable to relax and enjoy yourself. This one is usually the first warning sign. It's a negative emotion that isn't strong enough yet to manifest into something more specific (like the ones listed below). Because of it, it can be hard to pinpoint where exactly it's coming from and what to do about it. If this feeling of discomfort persists, it can help to think about the situations in which you notice it. Since it's not as powerful and therefore detrimental yet, ignoring it can be a decent strategy, but keep in mind you might be suppressing a real issue and it's surfacing as a general dissatisfaction and discomfort.

Fear

You're anticipating a negative event. Your body wants you to avoid it, to get away from it. Sometimes this reaction is justified. If there's a guy in a hockey mask with a chainsaw in his hands coming for you, for example. Most of the time it's not quite as life-threatening. Uncover the root cause of it. Can you prepare for it? Might it be smart to avoid it? You can also use the process of negative visualization to dig a little deeper.

Unfortunately, fear tends to be paralyzing, and to make matters worse: certain events can induce such high degrees of mental trauma, as to break this fear response mechanism. Victims of such events often end up being unable to let go of fear, even though there's no fear-inducing stimulus around. If you find yourself experiencing a constant baseline of fear, despite the lack of any apparent cause for this, I would highly recommend consulting a professional such as a therapist.

Hurt, Disappointment

Feeling pain (apart from physical pain) is oftentimes linked to loss. It doesn't have to be a literal loss (like the loss of a loved one) although it certainly can be. Loss can also be referring to unmet expectations. Losing our naive positive outlook and being confronted with the harsh, suboptimal reality can be a painful experience.

Acknowledging this pain to ourselves and the people around us is an essential step in healing from it. Telling a friend they've hurt you with something they've said or done not only reinforces your right to be treated with respect but also helps to prevent additional pain in the future.

Certain scenarios cause more pain than one would deem appropriate at first glance. This can be due to unresolved issues from the past. Imagine reacting very intensely to a breakup, even though the relationship only lasted a couple of weeks. Maybe you're still holding on to some of the pain caused by a previous breakup. The techniques I've outlined in my "Time Travel Trauma Treatment" article can help in these scenarios.

Anger, Frustration

Feelings of anger and irritation are a reaction to something not going the way we might have wanted. Anger is hardly ever a constructive response, yet it should not be ignored or pushed aside. Something is off, and due to a lack of other ways to cope with it, your body resorts to this unpleasant emotion. Once you've pinpointed the source (and have cooled off a bit), figure out ways to remove these anger-inducing parts of your life. If that's not an option, you'll need to be more creative, or mindful about your thought patterns. Meditation can help in this regard.

If you regularly catch yourself being disproportionately upset and agitated due to seemingly small inconveniences (stubbing your toe, a colleague not doing what they're supposed to, waiting in line for 5 minutes...), I recommend reading up on stoicism. It'll help to shift your perspective and focus on what matters, as well as spending more energy on the areas of life you have an active influence on.

Guilt, Regret

You messed up, you know it, and now you feel bad about it. In retrospect, it might even seem as though you did the wrong thing on purpose because you definitely should have known what would happen (if you didn't learn for a test, talked trash about someone, got wasted, and convinced yourself you're still able to drive, etc.). The first step is to accept that whatever you did, seemed like the right course of action at that time. Stop bullying yourself for decisions you made in the past, and can no longer change. No one ever messes up on purpose. And nothing is gained from you torturing yourself because of your past mistakes. I used to be a repeat offender when it comes to this. One time I unintentionally hurt a loved one physically, and I swear, I wanted to die on the spot, and this guilt persisted for weeks! Even though the incident was forgotten a few minutes later.

It might seem like common sense, but: Focus on getting it right the next time. Think about why you are feeling this much regret. Which of your standards have you violated? Do these standards still serve you? And let go of some of the high expectations you have of yourself. Remember: the only way to make sure you'll never make mistakes again is to cease existing. And this response might a little overkill. Don't do that.

Inadequacy

Fuck imposter syndrome. But sometimes it's not a lack of trust in your skills, you're indeed lacking the skills necessary, and therefore the feelings of inadequacy are adequate. First, make sure you know which one of the two you're dealing with. If it's something akin to imposter syndrome, you better work on those limiting beliefs. If it's not, then you need to find ways to be and do better.

Overwhelmed, being stressed out

It's all too much. Your responsibilities, how fucking messed up the world is right now, the bills you need to pay, the deadlines creeping closer and closer, and oh my god, you really need to clean up that bathroom, your mother would be horrified! On top of that, you feel like shit and you're about to cancel another vacation because there's no way you'll get everything done on time.

Our brains aren't meant to multitask. Work on one thing after the other, ordered by priority. I wrote an article about how to get all of that shit out of your head and into a neatly organized list of tasks.

But let's be real. If you're a single parent that just lost their job, still coping with some medical issues and you're also about to be evicted, then a perfect task list will not make a noticeable difference. In some situations, you are overwhelmed because there's no way not to be. I hope you can ask others (friends, family, organizations) to help you to get back on your feet. Remember: You're not alone.

Feelings of overwhelm are oftentimes a prime example of one of the unhealthy ways to cope with negative emotions: Building an identity around them. Being busy (and letting others know about it) is incredibly commonplace today, and probably has been in the past. Burnout is almost worn like a badge of honor. But I'm going to be real frank right now: If your busyness leads to a mental breakdown, you're a fucking idiot. Of course, there are some occasions where you're not the one to blame, and you acted with the best intentions in mind. But this is nothing to be proud of. Let's stop idealizing the stupid ideal of the entrepreneur that's too stressed out to spend time with their kids but is still a role model because they've created a million-dollar company. Fuck that shit. They failed, miserably.

Loneliness

Feeling lonely sucks. But as long as you're just lonely and not suffering from crippling depression, you're still in a good position. Your loneliness is telling you to seek out more meaningful connections. Remind yourself of all the people you have in your life that deeply care about you. Reach out to them! That's the fastest way to cure loneliness. And even if you don't feel like you have people in your life that care (I'm sure you do) this feeling of loneliness can still be interpreted as something beautiful: You care. A lot. This is why it hurts right now. Let the others know how much they mean to you, and they'll reciprocate.

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